Radio Silence

The title of this post has changed a number of times. It's sat in my drafts since the end of October. And it's theme has altered many times too.

Today, its the 1st of December and it feels like the right day, the right time to actually hit the 'publish' button.

ADVANCE WARNING - This could be a long one, so make yourself comfy. Make a brew.

This morning I started typing a post on my Instagram about the radio silence I've been delivering recently. I've been off social media, I've cancelled most of plans, I've taken a step back from my work. Not because I wanted to. Because I had to.

Shall we get started at the beginning then?

I remember that feeling when I woke up on 30th October 2017. The clocks went back so we got a cheeky extra hour in bed and the sun. The autumn sun was out in full force.

The day before I had spent the afternoon with my best friend, my Mum and my Auntie, drinking Gin and giggling our way through a Gin Festival. I had a date night planned that evening with my boyfriend. 

I woke up that Sunday feeling content. 

Life was good. I was happy. 

Before my Mum and Auntie headed back home to the Midlands we decided on an impromptu visit to Sheffield Park for a walk. 

It was just beautiful there. 

Autumn leaves in full force with the most amazing colours reflecting in the waters of the lakes and many visitors taking part in their own Autumn themed photo shoots, throwing leaves up into the air, clicking the camera at that right moment. 

We even spotted a stunning Kingfisher up in the trees to the delight of my Auntie. They are her favourite. But she's never seen one in the wild. 

Something in the air that day felt special. 

Almost magical. 

Seconds later. Everything changed. 

A phonecall from my Dad, followed by a mad dash back to the car and a drive that felt like it would never end. I didn't know if we would make it. 

This could not be happening. 

The woman I never imagined life without was preparing to leave us...

A series of events

That day sparked a change. A shift in life. And one of those moments that you can never really prepare yourself for. 

The 'grief train' as I call it, had arrived at my platform once again but this time it all felt a little different.

I spent the next few days wondering how we really just 'get on' with life? When you lose someone you love, is it ever actually possible? Does it change you as a person? How does your life keep going when they were such a huge part of it?

For the first time, in a really long time I felt lost. And then, it hit me. Literally. 

What followed was a car accident and a health scare. What was happening to me? Why was this all happening right now?

None of this is your fault

None of this is your fault they kept saying. It's just a big bump in this road of this journey we are all on. 

What I felt was a sense of guilt. I don't know why.

It took me a couple of weeks to get over that. What was happening around me wasn't my fault and that life was just serving me another lesson. A lesson to make me stronger. 

That's why I needed to take a step back. 

When something huge shifts in your life, or a series of events shift your universe it is SO important to understand the lesson, see the meaning and take that step back. More so than ever, because we live such fast paced, 1million mph lifestyles that we never really have time to just sit, be still and learn, do we?

Changing reflections

The last month my reflection has changed. 

I've gone from deep, deep sadness to insecurity to anxiety to, this is okay, I'm okay and here I am. 

I've realised that life changes us, it changes how we see ourselves. 

I've been lucky to have some incredible support from friends and family but my biggest lesson has been that when I really need it, I've got my own back. It's up to me. 

You can find that courage, you can find yourself....totally. It's amazing how you can help yourself when life really, really throws you down. 

Now, I'm better. I'm stronger. I've learnt so much and I know, I've totally got this. 

And so do you.

D xx